-keep going-

I don’t plan these posts out (which is kind of out of character because I really like to plan), so they mostly come out in intermittent jumbles.

It’s been awhile since my last post, mainly because life.

I’ve graduated college with my second degree and am sitting on my ass waiting for an interview for a position that I really want, BUT IT’S SO HARD. I hate waiting and feeling like I’m not capable of starting my career. I get in ruts and all I do is sit and watch Bones on Netflix and play spider solitaire.

I tend to distance myself from people during these times, too, because all they say is ‘It’ll be okay”, “It will happen”, “Something will work out”.

Okay, thank you, that was so helpful.

(I’m sorry, I get bitter.)

I know all of that is true, but it’s hard to hear over and over and over again without seeing it happen. I’m not living a bad life or a sad life, so I don’t want to complain. I try not too because I am very grateful for what I do have and I’m excited for the prospect of what is to come.

It’s just hard to sit and feel like you can’t get what you want when you’ve grown up your whole life with people telling you that you can be whatever you want when you grow up.

…and I lack patience, like a lot.

 

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-failure-

I sometimes make myself so stressed that I default to thinking I’ve failed. I think about what is or isn’t going on in my life and I automatically assume I’ve made all the wrong decisions.

It is so fucking hard for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. Every time I think I’ve found a path, something gets in the way or I can’t afford to wait or they say no. I honestly have no idea where I am going and I am so, so scared.

I’m terrified that I’ve wasted years. I’m horrified that I’m going in the wrong direction. I’m pissed that I know this and feel like I do nothing about it. I don’t know if this is anxiety talking or what, but I don’t know how to handle it and it scares me.

I just feel that I’m not doing what I should be doing, but I don’t know what I should be doing.

Writing Moods

I just finished writing my first EVER completed book (hallelujah)! 

I was so pumped about it, even printed the entire thing out to start editing. I’ve started planning the second (and final) book in the series and all seemed well. 

Except now I’m writing a completely different book…

I’m learning that I write way better and smoother when I’m excited about the material (no shit, I know). I just can’t get myself to continue with the two book series, at least not now, and I feel bad that I’m leaving the story unfinished. Seriously though, when I try to write the second book, I sit and start it the screen and write next to nothing. 

I will continue writing this new idea, because I fricken love it, but I want to get back on the the series afterwards. 

What do you do to get excited about an old idea? 

I’m worried I won’t ever finish it and to be honest, that makes my heart hurt a little. 

-missed opportunities-

This is where a lot of my anxiety stems from– feeling like I’m missing out because of my choices or simply I’m not able to pursue because of timing or lack of funds. I often feel like I’ve lost my chance. 

I think about this a lot and dig myself deeper into a hole that, for me, is easy to climb, but difficult to escape. 

I scroll through social media a lot (millennial probs) and just a few seconds ago (after taking a break from the horrifying job search) I opened Pinterest. Those first thing I saw was a quote that physically made me breathe out a sigh of relief. 

For some time tonight, I can actually relax with these words on my mind. 

Missed opportunities always come back when you’re ready.

I am not okay. 

Today is a bad day- one of those days where I get discouraged in every way possible, lose track of time by just laying on my bed doing mindless activities, and get really, really sad. 

On these days, I call my mom and try to get out a full sentence without starting to cry (spoiler alert- it never works), so I did that and she made me feel better with the facts laced with hope. 

I’m sure by this point, we all know facts don’t always help because the mind is a stubborn and frustrating piece of shit sometimes. 

She always tells me to pray. I never do though, at least not a really prayer. I don’t feel like I should, I guess, when I don’t wholeheartedly put my faith behind it. 

I like to think there is something out there bigger than all of us, but how am I supposed to think it’ll help me? 

I started this blog, so I could write out my feelings instead of talking because I always tear up and now I’m hella frustrated because GUESS WHO JUST TEARED UP WRITING THIS SHIT? 

IT’S STUPID. 

-holy shit-

My mind is fucking EVERYWHERE today. I literally can’t focus on one good thing, just all the stressful and sad.

I think the worst part is that I have no one to really talk to about this because everyone around seems fairly content. They have jobs, they have significant others, they have fun things to do, they have best friends.

I’m pretty sure I’ve been a floater all of my life. I’ve never had one true best friend (aside from like fourth through sixth grade, but honestly that was also when my relationship with my parents was the worst) or one true relationship outside of my immediate family. I’m not even all that close with my cousins, aunts and uncles. I do have really good friends. I promise. There is just something different about a best friend and a really good friend.

Growing up in a small town limits your experiences. Not going along with the crowd limits them even more. I’ve never felt so sheltered, but living in a big city, listening to stories of those younger than me… I don’t know, maybe I haven’t truly been living.