Morning Motivation: Day One & the Journey to Waking Up

Morning are the best time for me to wake up and get work done. I don’t work until 10:30AM and I live literally five minutes away, even in the snow drifted roads.

But do I wake up?

No.

It pains me, but my ass is so lazy that I don’t get out of bed until 9AM or later.

I’ve been this way since last year or as I like to call “The Dark Year”, aka when I was 24 and really, really anxious with little, little hope.

It was the first year I started using the snooze button and I used the hell out of it and multiple times in one morning. Now it’s a habit I can’t break and honestly, it’s annoying. I wouldn’t say I hate myself for doing it, but I sure don’t like myself for doing it.

So, going along with my new found goals and motivation of 2018, I’m starting this series and what can make me motivated to get up in the mornings.

DAY ONE:

I set my alarm for 7:30. When it went off, I was fine and definitely not sleep deprived. I could have gotten up, but my first thought was.

Yeah right, I’m sleeping until 8:30.

So, my alarm was set to 8:30 and I slept until then. When it went off again, I got up and went to the bathroom and then got back in bed…

I browsed my phone and then set my alarm to 9:05.

I finally got out of bed after the THIRD alarm reset.

All in all, today was not a good day for morning motivation, but in the time I have been up, I’ve answered emails and written this blog post, so some good has come out of it.

So, we’ll end on a high note and get this published before I have to go to work, which I’m definitely not ready for yet because I don’t give myself enough time in the morning…

Hopefully day two goes a bit better.

morningmotivatoin

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Discovering Faith (or something like that)

Today’s post isn’t exactly religious because I’m not exactly religious. I don’t really know what I believe or who to believe, but I know there has to be some sort of good out there.

What brought this on is actually sort of silly in a way, at least for those who don’t follow or cherish sports.

If anyone is a football fan, you may have heard or watched a video on the recent Vikings and Saints game.

I’m from Minnesota and pretty much went through 20 years of stress in ten minutes. All my nails got chewed off, I was wrapped up in a blanket like a cocoon in the corner of my couch, and there was nothing I could do to calm down my pounding heart.

Recap: We were down by one with like 20 seconds left, had some incomplete passes, a false start, and all our hopes were shattered… again. That is until Case threw a pass to Diggs and instead of just stepping out of bounds for a chance at a field goal to stop the clock when the other team missed the tackle , Diggs ran into the end zone right as the time expired and we won with a walk off touchdown.

I’m honestly still reeling and this was two days ago.

Anyway, that’s not the point of this post. When asked about the play, both players pointed to God and gave Him all the glory.

Again, while this is heartwarming and humbling for me to watch, I just don’t know where I stand with religion, but what I learned is that God or whatever good force of nature is out there will never give you a chance if you give up.

Those boys played to the literal last second, never giving up, and succeeded.

The chances won’t come if we give up, so I’m not giving up.

Here’s to a renewed faith in never giving up.

Cheers.

faith

Lack of Hope

I just recently turned 25 and while I can look in the mirror and still feel 21, it’s hard knowing I’m not. I thought I would be in a much different place than I am now.

The year of 24 was plagued with a lot of anxiety that only let hope trickle in. It was my darkest year yet and I’m still struggling on pulling myself out of that hole.

The only thing that helped was my obnoxious imagination.

It still helps today and pushes my writing even further, but unfortunately it acts as a curse, too. My dreams stretch so far that sometimes I’m left in the dust behind them with little hope I’ll ever get there.

But I’m trying and I’m taking one step at a time. Things will never happen if I don’t try and that’s what I have to remember everyday.

I wrote this at some point in 2017. Written for a little writing challenge about flying, it became a short story outlining anxiety in a different way.


 

Wind glided across her skin, melting into her hair and flowing around her body. Kya held her eyes closed, not needing to see the darkened clouds blending into the bright sky around her. She was used to it. Instead, she marveled in the feeling of being up high and alone— the feeling of being in control.

Her lips slowly turned up into a grin. Kya flipped to her back and stretched out her arms to the side. She reached through the tips of her finger and toes. Adrenaline pumped through her veins, erupting in a giddy shake. Her hips and arms danced. She wiggled all the way down to her fingertips.

Kya’s long mane of hair whipped around her face and she grasped at her neck, pushing away the strands. She held her palms to her forehead, keeping her locks out of the way and finally opened her eyes.

She seemed to be in a cloud at this point. It was a hazy gray, but light enough to see through. The bright blue of the sky shown through like a diamond through dirt. It was beautiful and gave her an extra jolt of energy.

Kya brought her knees to her stomach, flipping back around, and pushed up even higher in the sky, like a rocket taking off into space. She twirled in circles, bringing her hands up above her head.

An icy touch sparked her fingertips. She jerked them back to her sides, but the damage was already done. She felt the cold run through her veins, causing the hairs on her body to stand taut.

She began falling, the force that was pushing her up no longer swimming around her. It left slowly, draining from her body inch by inch. It was only when the last of it left her toes that her smile left with it.

The air twisted and pulled at her legs, her arms. She could barely see through the mess her hair had become. It was knotted and plastered to her face. Her breathing became shallow because each time she opened her mouth to take a breath, her throat closed up to keep everything out.

She spun in the air, the speed of her downfall pulsing into her chest. She tried to maneuver into different positions, anything that might help slow her down, but it was no use.

The darkness was in clear sight. The hole was smooth and deep. She knew because she dug it herself.

Kya opened her eyes as wide as she could and took one last look at the beautiful blue sky above her. With a sigh, she accepted the darkness and it swallowed her whole. She landed with a thud on at the bottom. The ground was comfortable and she was used to it, but it didn’t make her like it.

She let her body fall back and her head bounced on the dirt underneath her. It was almost like a pillow, though not as reassuring.

Her eyes closed and she placed her forearms over them. After a few deep breaths, Kya let herself fall asleep, her stomach still in knots.

She knew what was happening and she knew the logical way to get out of this hole, but all she wanted to do was sleep and attempt to get her mind off of it. She couldn’t explain the exact reason why she wanted to because she didn’t even know herself.

It was just another happy day, followed by a sad night. Her ups and downs were endless, but she still kept going. After all, it’s one step forward and two steps back and one day her step forward was going to be a whole hell of a lot bigger than her two steps back.

flyinghigh

New Year, New Ways to Fail, New Motivation

I’m returning to this blog with a different motivation than I have had before and I would be lying if I said it didn’t have to do with money and my age.

I am still young, yes, I know, but I just turned 25 and I’m still on my dad’s benefits and have a part time job.

Holy, reality check.

Now I have less than a year to either find a full time job that I will probably dislike, or somehow monetize my hobby of writing, which is what I want to do, duh.

So here we go, one blog a day on the journey to live my life for me and be able to afford it.

I’m going to write about things I love, things that went wrong, things that make me mad, and things that make me proud. I’m going to write everyday, as much as I can.

And honestly, it’s going to be hard. I’ve never been able to push this goal to fruition.

Take the steps along with me in this “new year, new me” and hopefully I won’t let it drag me down and run me over any longer.

-discrediting yourself-

I’ve been thinking about writing this for awhile, but I don’t exactly feel like I have the words. Here it goes anyway.

I have a habit of discrediting myself in certain situations- maybe because I’m humble, maybe because I’m self conscious, I don’t know. Who knows anything anymore?

Most recently, it’s been about school. I’ve recently graduated from a small college (my second degree) and it was a very small school. My graduating class was only around twenty people. I received Valedictorian and the ICON Award within my degree. I’m very grateful and it was really cool to be awarded both.

BUT, every time it came up I would make an excuse for why I received them, like: “Oh, it’s no big deal. It’s a small school”, or “There was only a couple students with my degree”, and my favorite “This school wasn’t as hard other colleges”.

I also say “School is just easy for me” or “I’m a good test taker” when people marvel over my 4.0 GPA.

Even writing this feels off, like I’m gloating. I physically want to write those things or not even post this at all.

I guess my point for this is that it’s okay to feel good about your achievements. It’s okay to be prideful and hold confidence in your abilities without playing it down for others. It is still taking daily reminders for me to remember that. I find myself often downplaying things that I do.

I shake my head a lot and I need to remember to smile and say thank you instead, relishing in that feel good moment because it’s usually those moments that make me want to push forward more.

 

-keep going-

I don’t plan these posts out (which is kind of out of character because I really like to plan), so they mostly come out in intermittent jumbles.

It’s been awhile since my last post, mainly because life.

I’ve graduated college with my second degree and am sitting on my ass waiting for an interview for a position that I really want, BUT IT’S SO HARD. I hate waiting and feeling like I’m not capable of starting my career. I get in ruts and all I do is sit and watch Bones on Netflix and play spider solitaire.

I tend to distance myself from people during these times, too, because all they say is ‘It’ll be okay”, “It will happen”, “Something will work out”.

Okay, thank you, that was so helpful.

(I’m sorry, I get bitter.)

I know all of that is true, but it’s hard to hear over and over and over again without seeing it happen. I’m not living a bad life or a sad life, so I don’t want to complain. I try not too because I am very grateful for what I do have and I’m excited for the prospect of what is to come.

It’s just hard to sit and feel like you can’t get what you want when you’ve grown up your whole life with people telling you that you can be whatever you want when you grow up.

…and I lack patience, like a lot.

 

-failure-

I sometimes make myself so stressed that I default to thinking I’ve failed. I think about what is or isn’t going on in my life and I automatically assume I’ve made all the wrong decisions.

It is so fucking hard for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. Every time I think I’ve found a path, something gets in the way or I can’t afford to wait or they say no. I honestly have no idea where I am going and I am so, so scared.

I’m terrified that I’ve wasted years. I’m horrified that I’m going in the wrong direction. I’m pissed that I know this and feel like I do nothing about it. I don’t know if this is anxiety talking or what, but I don’t know how to handle it and it scares me.

I just feel that I’m not doing what I should be doing, but I don’t know what I should be doing.

-missed opportunities-

This is where a lot of my anxiety stems from– feeling like I’m missing out because of my choices or simply I’m not able to pursue because of timing or lack of funds. I often feel like I’ve lost my chance. 

I think about this a lot and dig myself deeper into a hole that, for me, is easy to climb, but difficult to escape. 

I scroll through social media a lot (millennial probs) and just a few seconds ago (after taking a break from the horrifying job search) I opened Pinterest. Those first thing I saw was a quote that physically made me breathe out a sigh of relief. 

For some time tonight, I can actually relax with these words on my mind. 

Missed opportunities always come back when you’re ready.

I am not okay. 

Today is a bad day- one of those days where I get discouraged in every way possible, lose track of time by just laying on my bed doing mindless activities, and get really, really sad. 

On these days, I call my mom and try to get out a full sentence without starting to cry (spoiler alert- it never works), so I did that and she made me feel better with the facts laced with hope. 

I’m sure by this point, we all know facts don’t always help because the mind is a stubborn and frustrating piece of shit sometimes. 

She always tells me to pray. I never do though, at least not a really prayer. I don’t feel like I should, I guess, when I don’t wholeheartedly put my faith behind it. 

I like to think there is something out there bigger than all of us, but how am I supposed to think it’ll help me? 

I started this blog, so I could write out my feelings instead of talking because I always tear up and now I’m hella frustrated because GUESS WHO JUST TEARED UP WRITING THIS SHIT? 

IT’S STUPID. 

-holy shit-

My mind is fucking EVERYWHERE today. I literally can’t focus on one good thing, just all the stressful and sad.

I think the worst part is that I have no one to really talk to about this because everyone around seems fairly content. They have jobs, they have significant others, they have fun things to do, they have best friends.

I’m pretty sure I’ve been a floater all of my life. I’ve never had one true best friend (aside from like fourth through sixth grade, but honestly that was also when my relationship with my parents was the worst) or one true relationship outside of my immediate family. I’m not even all that close with my cousins, aunts and uncles. I do have really good friends. I promise. There is just something different about a best friend and a really good friend.

Growing up in a small town limits your experiences. Not going along with the crowd limits them even more. I’ve never felt so sheltered, but living in a big city, listening to stories of those younger than me… I don’t know, maybe I haven’t truly been living.