I’ve been thinking about writing this for awhile, but I don’t exactly feel like I have the words. Here it goes anyway.
I have a habit of discrediting myself in certain situations- maybe because I’m humble, maybe because I’m self conscious, I don’t know. Who knows anything anymore?
Most recently, it’s been about school. I’ve recently graduated from a small college (my second degree) and it was a very small school. My graduating class was only around twenty people. I received Valedictorian and the ICON Award within my degree. I’m very grateful and it was really cool to be awarded both.
BUT, every time it came up I would make an excuse for why I received them, like: “Oh, it’s no big deal. It’s a small school”, or “There was only a couple students with my degree”, and my favorite “This school wasn’t as hard other colleges”.
I also say “School is just easy for me” or “I’m a good test taker” when people marvel over my 4.0 GPA.
Even writing this feels off, like I’m gloating. I physically want to write those things or not even post this at all.
I guess my point for this is that it’s okay to feel good about your achievements. It’s okay to be prideful and hold confidence in your abilities without playing it down for others. It is still taking daily reminders for me to remember that. I find myself often downplaying things that I do.
I shake my head a lot and I need to remember to smile and say thank you instead, relishing in that feel good moment because it’s usually those moments that make me want to push forward more.
I don’t plan these posts out (which is kind of out of character because I really like to plan), so they mostly come out in intermittent jumbles.
It’s been awhile since my last post, mainly because life.
I’ve graduated college with my second degree and am sitting on my ass waiting for an interview for a position that I really want, BUT IT’S SO HARD. I hate waiting and feeling like I’m not capable of starting my career. I get in ruts and all I do is sit and watch Bones on Netflix and play spider solitaire.
I tend to distance myself from people during these times, too, because all they say is ‘It’ll be okay”, “It will happen”, “Something will work out”.
Okay, thank you, that was so helpful.
(I’m sorry, I get bitter.)
I know all of that is true, but it’s hard to hear over and over and over again without seeing it happen. I’m not living a bad life or a sad life, so I don’t want to complain. I try not too because I am very grateful for what I do have and I’m excited for the prospect of what is to come.
It’s just hard to sit and feel like you can’t get what you want when you’ve grown up your whole life with people telling you that you can be whatever you want when you grow up.
…and I lack patience, like a lot.
I sometimes make myself so stressed that I default to thinking I’ve failed. I think about what is or isn’t going on in my life and I automatically assume I’ve made all the wrong decisions.
It is so fucking hard for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. Every time I think I’ve found a path, something gets in the way or I can’t afford to wait or they say no. I honestly have no idea where I am going and I am so, so scared.
I’m terrified that I’ve wasted years. I’m horrified that I’m going in the wrong direction. I’m pissed that I know this and feel like I do nothing about it. I don’t know if this is anxiety talking or what, but I don’t know how to handle it and it scares me.
I just feel that I’m not doing what I should be doing, but I don’t know what I should be doing.
This is where a lot of my anxiety stems from– feeling like I’m missing out because of my choices or simply I’m not able to pursue because of timing or lack of funds. I often feel like I’ve lost my chance.
I think about this a lot and dig myself deeper into a hole that, for me, is easy to climb, but difficult to escape.
I scroll through social media a lot (millennial probs) and just a few seconds ago (after taking a break from the horrifying job search) I opened Pinterest. Those first thing I saw was a quote that physically made me breathe out a sigh of relief.
For some time tonight, I can actually relax with these words on my mind.
Missed opportunities always come back when you’re ready.
Today is a bad day- one of those days where I get discouraged in every way possible, lose track of time by just laying on my bed doing mindless activities, and get really, really sad.
On these days, I call my mom and try to get out a full sentence without starting to cry (spoiler alert- it never works), so I did that and she made me feel better with the facts laced with hope.
I’m sure by this point, we all know facts don’t always help because the mind is a stubborn and frustrating piece of shit sometimes.
She always tells me to pray. I never do though, at least not a really prayer. I don’t feel like I should, I guess, when I don’t wholeheartedly put my faith behind it.
I like to think there is something out there bigger than all of us, but how am I supposed to think it’ll help me?
I started this blog, so I could write out my feelings instead of talking because I always tear up and now I’m hella frustrated because GUESS WHO JUST TEARED UP WRITING THIS SHIT?
My mind is fucking EVERYWHERE today. I literally can’t focus on one good thing, just all the stressful and sad.
I think the worst part is that I have no one to really talk to about this because everyone around seems fairly content. They have jobs, they have significant others, they have fun things to do, they have best friends.
I’m pretty sure I’ve been a floater all of my life. I’ve never had one true best friend (aside from like fourth through sixth grade, but honestly that was also when my relationship with my parents was the worst) or one true relationship outside of my immediate family. I’m not even all that close with my cousins, aunts and uncles. I do have really good friends. I promise. There is just something different about a best friend and a really good friend.
Growing up in a small town limits your experiences. Not going along with the crowd limits them even more. I’ve never felt so sheltered, but living in a big city, listening to stories of those younger than me… I don’t know, maybe I haven’t truly been living.
Do you ever have days where you just stay in your bed– like literally stay in bed?
I get so frustrated with how my life is going sometimes that I feel as if my body just gives up.
Of course, my mind doesn’t.
It’s only really bad when I’m by myself (which is unfortunately a lot) because when I have stuff to do and people to see, I obviously get my ass up and live.
Otherwise I lay and think my mind into sad and silly thoughts that all in all make me frustrated. I don’t know what other word to use to describe it. I don’t know if it’s because I’m confused at what to do for a career or that I’m failing at any sort of love life or that what I really want to do is something that won’t make me any money to pay off my expanding debt.
My mind never shuts off and I just let it run. I don’t feel healthy sometimes, but I know I can change it. I just don’t know how to, yet.
Happy Valentine’s Day, people!
Enjoy this ridiculously heartwarming picture of my grandparents. Right before I took this picture my grandpa told my grandma, “Well, here we are. We’re still together,” and took her hand.
I’ve been single on like every February 14th ever because I don’t know how to do relationships or boys or whatever. I like to be friendly and am at the age where boys too young and men too old are the only ones who hit on me.
BUT, I’m going to take today as a reminder to love myself, appreciate those who do love me (hey, fam), and let strong, healthy relationships fill me with happiness and hope.
Don’t be crabby and let yourself love, even if it’s just loving your taco for lunch and dinner and maybe breakfast if your really feeling it.
Oh why yes, that is my face and oh my goodness yes, it is heavily edited with fun and creative filters.
I totally fall into the rut of not wanting to post selfies because of what others will think. I do say that lightly because, in all honestly, I don’t really care what others think- it’s almost more like a need to stay professional and a feed full of my face doesn’t give off the correct vibe.
Does that even make sense?
I don’t know. I’m trying hard to focus on fulfilling myself, but question after question arises and I get lost in a land mind full of what ifs and I wants. After racking my brain over and over again, all I end up doing is sitting and/or laying in my bed watching Netflix (usually Criminal Minds).
I constantly feel as if I’m going nowhere near where I want to be and it’s hard.
Aloha, my lovelies.
This is my, wait for it…
FOURTH blog attempt because I’m confused and scatter brained (wait, what?).
I’ve decided to start blogging up again because I know I am good at being creative and when I feel good about being good, my anxiety isn’t so bad. In the last few months, I’ve been graced with hella anxiety and it’s been quite a trip. I get emotional so much easier (and no, not just on my period) and my worrisome nature has increased tenfold.
It’s honestly ridiculous and I get very frustrated with myself.
So, in yet another attempt to calm down and figure shit out, this blog (named my name, even though it’s simple and common) has officially come alive, twists and turns included and encouraged.
I’m done trying to create a brand and be clever. I’m done trying to make a blog that people want to see. My theme for this bad boy is honesty. My mission is to make life a little easier on myself. My goals will relate to helping my anxiety. My hope is to reach others in the same position as me because as I have said before and as I will say again, there is a big ol’ group of messy and passionate human beings roaming the earth and we’re here to stay.